Voice and Word Economy

Hook Critique Series: Article 2, Part 2

Trying really hard to find a strong voice? Today we’re following up with the second part of our article on voice and word economy, in which Debra Erfert generously allowed us to post a critique of an early first-page draft from her novel Changes. (You can see that editorial critique here.) In those comments, we discussed how to avoid overwhelming readers by wisely practicing word economy, as well as how to start establishing your character’s voice. Below is a later draft of Debra’s first page, followed by the author’s comments on what she’s learned in the hook-writing process.

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Strawberries slid down the stark white wall, juices dripping in thin bloody ribbons toward the broken bowl near the baseboard. If I’d aimed six inches to the left, I’d have hit my boyfriend’s head as he left.

Correction—my ex-boyfriend.

Three soft, confident taps on the door preceded my neighbor’s entrance. I knew who it was before I saw Chelsea Vanderbilt’s short, rainbow sherbet tips and blond roots. She made my brown hair seem dreary and bland. 

 “Hey, Grace. I take it David’s gone.”

 “He’s gone.” I followed her gaze to the newly redecorated wall. “I missed.”

 Chelsea knelt down and picked up the largest chunk of ceramic bowl. “Well, lady, it’s probably a good thing you missed. He is the litigious type.”

I fell onto my hide-a-bed sofa, sighing loudly. “He told me he’s not ready to commit. That we should just be friends.”

Chelsea piled broken bowl chunks into her hand, each falling with a soft clink. “I thought you were already friends.”

“I thought he was going to ask me to marry him. Instead, he dumped me.” I turned on my side, and bumped my head on the worn-out arm of the couch. The brief pain only solidified my anger. “I’m going to be thirty next month. Alone forever! What am I doing wrong?”

“You’re not doing anything wrong,” Chelsea said, trashing the bowl, “except for maybe putting all your trust in a man who never earned it.”

“I probably shouldn’t have dated someone younger than me.” 

Chelsea turned and rested her skinny hip against the cabinet. “Five years isn’t that much of a difference. David’s a grown man.”

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Debra’s Comments

Everyone wants to make a good first impression, that’s human nature. But in the world of writing, that precious first impression can be a career builder or a killer. Having an uninspiring first page is like walking into a room full of strangers, tripping, and falling flat on your face. What if you were meeting your future in-laws for the first time and had spinach stuck between your front teeth, or had such bad breath you could see their heads bob back when you spoke? You definitely made an impression, but not the kind you wanted.

I learned that when writing that first sentence of the first paragraph of your first page, you need to quickly hook your reader’s interest or risk losing them completely. I discovered that I am rarely able to do that in the beginning stages of writing. I am a story “builder” or “engineer,” which means I don’t outline each chapter before I sit down and start writing. I may know a few plot turning points, but until I get there, my characters basically tell me where the story goes. By the “end” I understand their personalities and their moods enough that I’m able to go back to that first line, paragraph, and page, and change it to get that sharper hook I need. Another thing I discovered is that my “rough draft” is a detailed, comprehensive outline, ready for that fine-tuning.

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To read anything else our spotlight author is writing, see below:

Debra Erfert

Debra’s Windows into Writing …

Wrapup

Time to hear from you. Do you relate to what Debra expressed about her rough draft being a comprehensive outline? What’s your process like? Comment below!